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Alexi Estova
28 August 2008 @ 12:02 am
And as humanity said, "Give me strength, for I am human." The great overseer and caretaker of all life frowned upon them, and grumbled softly, "You deserve no such thing, for you will destroy all you touch." To which humanity replied, "Then give me speed, because I am human, your real creation." Looking with that of despondence, the great one spoke harshly, "You shall have no such thing, your impatience will cause you to be wasteful." Then, thinking deeply, humanity responded in a humble tone, "Then give me intelligence, so I may care for every living thing with my abilities of learning." To which the creator, a believer of modest and selfless statements, did agree to this. Thus humanity was granted intelligence naturally. Humanity's body is made weaker than most other creatures, it's legs, less capable of speed to flee, and to capture. It was as the creator had designed, in the essense of balance. Humanity's trickery was disguised well, and they did plot to use the intelligence to grant themselves the abilities the creator did not want them to have.

With his ability to learn, he adapted himself rein over the land. He used other creatures to sculpt it to his liking, planting food, and bringing water. The creator was pleased, and considered it unselfish that humanity wished to form the land to escape the requirements of hunting, for he also cared for the plants, and for the animals that he did use to make those changes.

After which he learned to use animals, and even the land itself to make himself faster. Using the chemicals locked away for good reason in the ground to hasten humanity's ability to travel long distances and outrun any creature made by the creator. The creator was cautiously contempative, for humanity also used the chemicals to provide protection from the elements for his creatures, and used the chemicals to create devices which helped to mend wounds. Still, the creator thought hard... deeply worried... for those chemicals were poisonous, and locked away for good reason... But the creator saw the care, and dismissed the worries it had, believing that the intelligence of humanity would lead it to properly contain the negative effects of using those chemicals. But as he suspected, with humanity's new ability for speed, humanity became impatient and wasteful. They did not care if they threw away items, or if the air was not clean, "Too much work, and to much cost."

The creator was upset, for humanity had not used it's intelligence to control the negative effects of using the chemicals. The land was becoming toxic, and filled with many items which the creator's true cleaning children could no longer break down and return to the soil. The creator then decided that humanity would require a warning, for the creator does not wish to see things destroyed in their entirety, or lives lost for mis-care. So for this warning the creator did affect the ground's steadyness, and change the season's timing. He made the storms more violent, and more frequent. Humanity, with it's intelligence, did notice that there was a problem, and after many years of abuse, they begrudgingly accepted the fact that they must remedy the problem.

So dependent upon the chemicals did they become, that they would soon have consumed all that they could easily obtain. Leaving the residue of the chemical's waste for those later to clean on their own. However with the end of the supply drawing near, they began to fight. With such a fight they required better strength than one another. Building themselves fake muscles, pinions of strength which they could flaunt. Devising ways to use that which is around them to destroy grand areas. Their demand for strength, and their impatience would lead them to create weapons which destroyed entire cities, and polluted the very soil so no thing would grow after. The creator was angered deeply. The creator's warnings were not understood, his most wise statements ignored. For humanity had twisted it's gift to give itself abilities most un-natural. Humanity had begun to show it's true arrogance, using the gift it received to grant itself that which the creator had implicitly denied.

And so the creator was deeply saddened. As his creatures and creations would slowly sink into non-existence, pushed aside as humanity grew too powerful, and too expansive. Consuming everything, and soon returning nothing. Half of humanity knew that it was behaving badly, but they could not challenge the remaining half who lived out of nescessity without thought for balance, or for care. The creator then decided what was needed to restore balance, and thus did create diseases. A plague of blackness scoured the land, infesting and killing man and animal alike, until thousands had perrished. The creator weaped with sorrow, woeful for what was unleashed, and provided a priod of tranquility. As the disease did slowly creep away, humanity became much wiser. Not in that it was at fault for such a cause, but in the fact that it adapted to prevent such events from happening again. Humanity would not hold itself accountable to the laws of nature, and the balance of equality any longer. It set itself above, and returned in full to thwart all that stood in it's way. Bringing in a new age of medicine, and cures, and preventative drugs. Humanity believed it was in control.

The creator, being most wise, had decided it would allow humanity and it's diseases to fester. Humanity's arrogance would cause it to abuse it's protective cures, and the diseases would soon be immune. Humanity's own desire to conquer death itself and extend it's life un-naturally would lead to it's own failure. Until that one day when humanity's arrogance, impatience, and destructive use of it's own strength would one day end to it's own demise. Still.. the creator sits waiting patiently, for it knows the time will come. In the end the creator feels a great saddness, for the land and it's creations will suffer so until all is gone, and the creator must then retry again.

Written by me. Full of bad grammer, bad spelling, and even some words that shouldn't be used...i am tired. hell, it's even out of time-line sync lol. But ya know... it is good =/.
Alexi Estova
11 July 2008 @ 09:57 am
Like a drug you seduce me,
I think I'm done and your back at me...
I wish I could be free of you,
But all I do is just think of you....

Last night you tempted me,
That night you stole away with me.
I must have been a big fool,
drenched in all my drool.

I chased you around the park...
You bounced like it was all a lark...
I fell from the tree,
and then you cared for me.

While I was at the vet,
I was feeling kind of wet.
I stole a tranq dart,
And I hit you in the heart.

You woke up with me inside you,
On the ground, your clothes beside you.
That night I helped myself...
I couldn't stop myself...

I put you in that chair,
and then caressed your hair.
I tied you down to it,
and your cigar I lit.

I just wanted to see you...
Just wanted to be with you...
Now I find myself ontop,
Riding your cock, and soon it will pop.

I just wanted to feel you...
Wanted your seed to flow from you.
After you came for me,
a gentle tear is all I could see.

That night I raped you...
I had to sedate you...
I bit into your neck,
Sucked hard on your neck.

After I got my taste of you,
I could see what I did to you.
I fealt all the pain,
as sharp as cold rain.

I drank of your blood,
it washed over me like a flood.
Your emotions they hit me...
Your sorrow it kills me...

I'm sorry I hurt you.
I'm sorry I raped you.
You're love is like a drug,
And at my heart it does tug.

[[This was in secondlife, not IRL lol...]]
Alexi Estova
28 June 2008 @ 06:55 pm

That's got to be the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever.

Every time I talked to him, I fealt so hurt, and angry... I'd say mean things, the honest truth of how I fealt. At the same time I loved him so fucking much. The damage was done from that thursday night... And I fealt like even if I tried, it would never have the beautiful glow it had before.

I still can't believe it.

I've blocked him, and removed his numbers and mailing address so I don't feel the need or ability to keep pestering him. I feel really hurt, and I just keep on trying to either convince him I love him, or say mean things because if feels like I'm talking to a wall and no one is listening on the other side.
Alexi Estova
27 February 2008 @ 09:54 pm

SOO MUCH THANKS TO zerodog85 !!!!!

he just randomly decided to give me 800L to make me uber sexy
Alexi Estova
Yes, I don't like my job. Like everyone.

Don't know what to do about it, it pays well.

But it's neither spiritually rewarding nor does it help me live healthy.

I kinda feel like a spoiled brat about to throw away something without realizing it is worth something.

I wonder, would it be great to be the grabage man with a phd in quantum everything?


All I know is, computers are making me ill. They're consuming my life. And for some reason, I can't seem to see anything to do but be on the computer.

I've made the unfortunate mistake of making them my life blood.

I wonder how strange of a person I'd be if I had a job where I didn't have to look professional, but made decent coin? Would I have fangs? Would I still be wearing my collar?

Would I be going on vacations that I wouldn't need if I liked my work environment, and didn't work so long?

All great questions to ask yourself. Life is really short.

I'm only 22, and I've climbed the mountain. But I think I picked the wrong one. The easy road, without challenge.

Should I leave my job and try my luck with my laser etching business?

I'd like to say yes, but for some reason it just, it's like... I'm making probably 5% of the monthly payments to support it. I'm sure there would be definately more if I could get out there and do things.

Do you hate your job? Work your job because of the hole you've dug yourself into? Work that job because it's what people expect of you?

Why do I care what anyone thinks or feels? Why does that mean so much to me? Other people's opinions shouldn't matter...

If I quit my job, would I be just another vagrant fat emo furry? I mean, I've put quite a lot of work into getting into a position where I slowly kill myself infront of a computer doing make-work which supports the idiots of society.

Why aren't I that idiot? Out there exploring? Why aren't I out there living, with my dog...

I see pictures of people who just travel and lodge out all the time, they seem happy care-free, and they experience life? What am I scared of that holds me here, binded.

Maybe it's that I'm scared of risk... scared of how such crazy ordeals would affect my life. Does it really matter? I know that it's intelligent to work your ass off when you're young so when you retire you have savings to sit on and rot away after you've wasted your youthful years slaving your ass off....

For some reason none of this makes sense to me. I wonder if it's because all I've known is "Try harder", "Do better". I rarely receieved any praise, because my best simply became expected of me. If I ever realaxed a bit to normal levels I was "acting stupid".

I wonder if my work would think ill of me if I wanted to take time off to try and see if I could run my business? Would they hire me back if I needed to go back? Would I want to go back?

Why do I honestly truely feel that I'm a dog inside? Looking at my hands like they're foreign.... Wondering why I can't just be satisfied with people, like everyone else. Absent mindedly going through the same cycle of hating the one I'm supposed to love? Does that make sense? I guess I picked something right, have a love that I never hate, ever.

I dunno, my life is so strange. I seem to have crawled into the rabbit hole from alice in wonderland. Crazy shit most people get so creeped out by, it's just normal to me lol.

I sure have lived a lot for only being 22, but I'm sure there is so much more out there. Life, real life. Not wasting away in front of a computer life.

Why don't I steal anything? I know some people that just steal anything that's not bolted down. They don't really have a purpose for it... much of it they just give away or sell to their friends. I would never steal from a person directly, but a big store just seems so impersonal, and inviting. But even then, I just don't do it.

What about drugs? I mean... apparently they're awesome. But destructive. Everything awesome is destructive. It's life's joke, everything balances. With alcohol, you borrow the fun from tommorrow so you can have it all in that night. Tommorrow, you're hung over which if you've borrowed too much leaves you with no fun at all the next day.

Why don't I keep more dogs? I'd love to, dogs are one of those things where more is better, unless they start fighting and stuff, or you can't support them, cuz that's bad.

Then again, why aren't I satisfied with just one? One who loves me and cuddles me, and kisses me before sleep and after it. Who I wake up next to in the middle of the night and can bring closer to me for reassurance and cuddles.

What drives me to post my feelings on live journal like this? Writing a whole novel for people to just skim over. If you have that time to read my feelings in such depth, congradulations. Does it make you hate me? Some people hate me for what I believe. Sometimes I come off as a moron, and I understand that. But some times you may be a moron too, but I try not to shove it in your face. Believe it or not, some people have done that. Of course, sometimes I probably deserve it too.

Why don't I like going out all dressed up as much as I used to before? lol.... I used to do it because I liked the attention, I was really resilient to bad comments, and just basked in the strange looks and reactions. After I dated corey, and after I got this job, I feel like a piece of me inside has wilted or dried out. I was a very differrent person. I didn't scoff at beggers, I talked to them. I never let myself feel hate towards anyone, everyone was a great person, with their life was just dealt to them and they went with what they had, and I understood that.

Now I resent, and I'm bitter. I've lost a great part of myself, unilateral understanding without giving a shit for explenation.

That's what seeking success and money gets you. I still haven't saved up money like I was promising myself. Saving so that I could live on interest as a vagrant, having a beautiful life. Living.

Did you know life is pretty inexpensive when you get rid of technology in it! Sure it's more manual, and can be troublesome when you want to socialize. But really.. it's only because everyone else is so busified, and so reliant upon technology that you can't get rid of it even if you wanted to.

All I need is a shack, and a hot-plate, and maybe solar pannels and some batteries. Just a place to sleep, get some food. I find it sick how I have no idea how to survive naturally, how the only thing I know is grocery stores, and packaged food. I can't build my own place (Well off the top of my head) from what I've learned I can build a proper shelter which would be sufficient if I needed to survive for a bit.

I dread to see what happens if we lose our technology crutch. Or if the crutch consumes our life so entirely.

Time to go to sleep so I can be disturbed in the morning by my alarm clock waking me up when the sun hasn't risen and I just want to stay sleeping... with the only thing I value in life. Just so I can have more time with him while he's still here on the journey of life.

Biggest question of all, why the hell don't I do anything about this?

Feel free to not answer any of them, they're all obvious easy answers. Just... not when they apply to you.
Alexi Estova
18 May 2007 @ 09:40 pm

If he'd had gone and hit me, I probably would have taken all my frustrations out on him at that time.

I... I honestly wish this world was differrent. I wish people didn't drink all day, I wish people didn't kill each other, I wish we'd all be good people to each other so that people like him don't have to go through whatever actions have changed him into who he is now.

I am of course talking about random drunken native guy #235123.

I was on the bus, drinking my awesome cinnamon tea, minding my own business. 100% happy that I had actually found a FOX PLUSHIE!!! (omg they're as rare as good quality huskies!). then he stumbles over my foot which was on the ground and was in a perfectly fine place.

Of course, he calls me a "fat piece of shit bitch who needs to watch his feet." and I tell him "You should watch where you're going...". He goes and sits in the back of the bus being completely beligerant to me, shouting insults at me, standing up, and his girlfriend was pulling him back down.

Then I hear "I'm going to go punch that fucker." I turn around to see him very close to me, and his girlfriend pulls him back again.

I did absolutely fucking NOTHING to him. I'm fucking sitting there drinking my fucking tea, trying to enjoy what was a beautiful rainy day.

If he'd had even tried to hit me I probably would have broken his arm. What's wrong with people.

Whats wrong with this world, that people become destroyed like this. Corrupted and disgraced.

When did the native culture degrade into murderous gangs, rapists, drunkards, and dole sucking bums.

Even when the government uses my own tax money to pay out to these fucking losers, they still ask me for more money... THEN they get fucking pissed off at me when I say "No, you're drunk."

I wish this world would end quicker, and maybe start again, but better. Run by better people, planned by smarter people than uncle joe who did you a favor and needs a government job cuz he wants to kick it back and rake in 2 times as much as I make.


All I really wanted my whole life is to just be left alone, and not have to worry and guard against the fact that someone at any time, could rattle my cage, kill my best friend, destroy what pile of shit I call my life.

Why the fuck should people have to take anti-depressants! People are fucking depressed because they look at the sorry shit that the world is and KNOW that it's fucking useless. The one fucking thing that they COULD be doing to fucking enjoy this deprecated shithole of life is being taken away from them MORE AND MORE, because they have to work longer and longer just to survive.

People are fucking depressed because they don't get to enjoy their families. They're fucking depressed because they work all day and some asshole feels a god damn need to yell at them over the phone because they want service NOW! Especially when it's not even mr.joe's fault that what's his face is having a shitty day.

If everyone did an honest days work, and picked a man up when he was down, and that man then continued and worked himself to the life he should live... This world would be the heaven it was meant to be.
Alexi Estova
26 April 2007 @ 06:36 pm
So much to write on today...

Jim's Funeral

Went to my friend's funeral/memorial. Definately wasn't like my step uncle Douglas' funeral where the saddness of the whole place was extremely painful to experience.

His meorial of life was a very cheerful and someone remorseful one. Kinda like a roller-coaster of very happy and very sad. It was very disheartening to lose a person like him. Because he was one of the few people in life that actually lived it the correct way: In search and reverence of friends, family, and loved ones.

He was a bit of a world-wide figure too, many friends from all over the globe! Everyone has such interesting stories about adventures with him too. I wonder what (if anything) people would say if I were to leave this world as is... hrm.

"Always trying, never finishing?" *sigh* think more positive!

Garbage picker

I picked up an entire black bag of garbage today from all around my yard and then from all around the neighbours front yards.

I'm tired of seeing human filth all over the place every day, so I think it's time to do something about it now that I had time.

-- Spent 1 hour doin that (1 hour well spent) --
I wish everyone would take the time to do this. I just bought some picker things from the dollar store for $2.00 and used a big black garbage bag. It's really not that hard....

Some people told me to dump it into the neighbours yard, but i wouldn't do that. No body learns anything, since they weren't picking it up anyway. It'd also just blow all around again thereby defeating the purpose of ever picking it up in the first place.

Lemme see where I end up! I don't think I'm really an osprey... A spider?? wtf...
Alexi Estova
16 April 2007 @ 09:57 am
1. Make sure you have an oPhrack live boot cd
- You can generate the other tables and put em on DVD, but what it has is great.
- Great for recovering that administrator account password that the client no doubtably forgot, or forgot to give you.

Get it from: http://swik.net/Ophrack

2. Make yourself a pe-boot disk cd
- You may want to get yourself norton ghost and put it on there
- As well as a collection of all the network drivers you can find.

Get it from: http://www.nu2.nu/pebuilder/

3. Have a windows disk (it's good to have Pro and home)
- If you're an ejeet pirate and jacked a cd-key from an office, or from when you did a corporate install job where they imaged machines then you can use that grand master key =P.

4. A linux live boot cd like knoppix or the likes can be very useful for getting drivers for the machine and putting them on the hdd, or on a usb stick.

5. Use auto runs to get shit off the system
- I usually try to manually clean off spyware/viruses from safemode. Formatting is always last ditch.

Get it from: http://www.microsoft.com/technet/sysinternals/utilities/Autoruns.mspx

6. Install avast antivirus, and do a scan on boot. This is a pre-emptive boot scan which can catch all. But you need to make sure the virus defs are up to date. I think you might even be able to rip out just the application and even create a bootable cd or keep it on usb key and run it from PE boot even.

Get it from: http://www.avast.com/eng/download-avast-home.html

7. Run pagedefrag to speed up the system in an almost orgasmic way
- This program defrags the registry and page file which are normally locked, or require special analysis.

Get it from: http://www.microsoft.com/technet/sysinternals/FileAndDisk/PageDefrag.mspx

8. Run a defrag from a booted cd environment to ensure everything is defragged.

Then charge the client $100, cuz you're a super star.
Alexi Estova
10 April 2007 @ 09:24 pm

Original from nevermint (It's his fursuit)

never take a picture holding a sign lol. I doubt I can match the funnyness of the original, but here's some tries:


Obiwan said something about abusing my powers or whatever. I was all like Shut da fuk up *ZAP*.


New meme, make your own text there. I'm gonna send em all to him when we're done lol.
Alexi Estova
22 March 2007 @ 09:40 pm

public class Program
  void main(string[] args)
    //Gather resources
    Mouth mouth = Activator.CreateInstance("HumanBody.BodyParts.Mouth, HumanBody") as Mouth;
    PrescribedDrug pill = New HCL_Trazadone("50mg");
    Cup glass = new TallGlass();

    //Use things

    //Drink water & swallow pill

    //I don't have a direct refference to body, so we'll just do this
    mouth.Head.Body.Sleep(11*60*60*60*1000); //Sleep 11 hours

Bleh there's more classes that should be defined but the pill is starting to work. So gnighty.